Girl on the Subway….

Once there was a girl.

Who desired to see the world.

Convinced her parents

To allow her to travel with her middle school.

To Paris, France.

Once there was a girl on a subway.

A young teenage girl, pretty,

overdevelop, and unsuspecting,

Of the man, who stood behind her

On the crowded subway train.

Once there was a girl on a subway

Who was grabbed by the man who stood

behind her, as the train traveled through

the dark tunnels on her first adventure to

experience the world while in Paris,

traveling with her middle school.

Once there was a girl on a subway,

Who froze, in time.

Who’s cry when silent.

As her voice was paralyzed.

As the man on the train grabbed her.

assaulted her.

Forced himself on her, in a way she hated,

In a way, that didn’t feel right.

As a man, stole her inner light.

in the dark tunnels that passed in Paris, on the

subway train.

Once there was a girl.

On a subway

Who was shamefully afraid.

Who watched the man run away.

Before she had the courage to say anything.

Once there was a girl who got off the subway

train. Crying hysterically,

Who was told, by the teacher chaperones, not

to talk about what happen to her that day in

Paris, in the darkness on the subway train.

They told the girl that crying doesn’t fix

anything anyway.

Once there was a girl,

who rode a subway train.

Who was molested.

By a man, in the darkness.

Who was told to never talk

about that moment again.

Once there was a girl

13, in Paris, pretty, but didn’t feel pretty

anymore. Who was left at the

hotel, far away from home, alone, for a day,

Who could only stand in the shower

For hours, crying and trying to scrub the

dirty, disgusting, disarray feelings away.

Once there was a woman

Who doubted her sense of being.

Who became very good at hiding.

Who became very leery of men.

Who didn’t fully understand why

She could never trust a man.
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Inner Womanly  Screams 

The mind of a women in heat, flowing with insightful madness. Passion, emotions ripping through her flesh, demanding attention. Shedding the walls, of her past, so she can listen to her ancestors once again. So she can reground and find her inner beauty, her strength again, her divide goddess within.

I got in my car and turn on my bass driven music, no words, just a steady beat, loud rhythmic sounds controlling my heartbeat as I weep. The music loud, blaring so you can’t hear my own sorrowful screams of misunderstanding. They surround me, I can feel their hands once again, they whisper in ways I can sense. My hands start to tingle, so does my chest. The voice, like an echo, but direct. “Why don’t you believe even after I show you again and again” The moments, the perfect memories come back, flooding in. Those times when I was completely open. Where the human and spirit world intertwined so beautifully, where our two twisted souls dance harmonically. Where I, we weren’t pretending. Where are thoughts were distance, and we just followed the pull towards one other. No wonder, I want more, no wonder my body craves hungrily that connective electricity to the core, those connections I felt once before. Those surreal moments were pure. Then taken away, without an explanation or reasoning. Slapped out of my hands and placed beyond my reach. As I fabricate myself, for the time being, so I can continue living, those unanswered questions keep lingering, keep me wondering. I am shamefully hopeful. Stupidly reappearing that constant question, as it drills through my thoughts once more,”why would one ever let something that real go.” Are we really letting go, or does the dis-attachment fertilize what is needed for growth. I should of never of expected for others to be ready to let there egos go. I should of never believe solely in energy, that I thought I provoked. I have to believe not only in what I can see and touch, but what is hidden, and mysterious. I wish we were allowed to just let things be, but that would be to easy, i wouldn’t learn anything. Our world simply isn’t set up that way. The world is fake, misplaced, made of artificial things, overrun by powerful people and companies, who want us to want things, while they manipulate and control, the way they want us to think. The masses of people are lost, and have stopped following those hints of possibility.

I stand there, looking into the eyes of the ones I love. Saying, come explore the depths of your psyche with me. Let’s be wild, adventurous, have fun, be a little stupid, enjoy what freedoms are still allowed to be free. Sadly, the ones I love stare at me like I’m crazy. I know I can’t provide normality. I cant provide children, I can’t provide constant dependably. I offer me, honest love, trust, with open communication, and intimacy. The ones I love, don’t know about independently coexisting, they know, love has 3 steps to be complete, 1st you date, you become girlfriend boyfriend, and then you get married. They both love and hate that I will never be one of those things. Many are afraid, They don’t believe, they love because they feel it should be that way, doing the same thing as everybody. They don’t hear, and have stopped listening to the spiritual they. They don’t want to lose their current status of being. I was taught, to never be afraid to lose everything. Because once you risk it all, you can only make gains.

So even though they know, I was the real thing. That those things that we felt and shared were the realist of feeling. They will continue to walk away.

As you learn your inner power and strength, you poise and your grace. Don’t be shameful, learn by your mistakes, don’t feel like you failed, or suffer one more minute in pain. Stop questioning. Stand true to only you. Remember there are others out there. Searching for you, waiting, and learning just like you.

You are awake, you feel everything. Stand tall, takes risk, forgive, and don’t be afraid. Don’t dismiss who you are, just to please someone less understanding. No validation is needed, for you to be yourself, to be absolutely amazing.
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Still Empty 

The words didn’t flow so easily.

Something in my soul felt empty,

If I could just keep myself busy.

If I could just focus on a hobby,

Let work become my new everything

I try to forget..

(It’s impossible)

But the memories keep repeating,

Their features start appearing in the faces of individuals..

Strangers, feel familiar.

Only really a glance of a past reality.

If I could just meet somebody…

To replace the empty

It would fix me… hopefully

Instead I just lay next to them, unfulfilled

The hole in my heart still empty
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Kissed By an Accident

I didn’t ask for this….. I remember feeling defeated after my car accident in 2014. Why? Would this happen? I kept wondering, and in the end that darkness, was where my life started again. The blessing of being painfully woken up brought fourth a new message, my true form, my destiny became reveal. It didn’t start out crystal clear, but I had to start somewhere. For days and nights I would walk blindly into the fear, looking, wondering what’s out there. The chaos pulled in, rolled it’s windows down and said, come sit over here… And even after years of being told not to ride with strangers, I sat in that seat and travel along a road to nowhere, signs screaming caution, danger, cliffs are near. Signs, saying Sunshine, don’t you dare. But nothing could stop me. I just knew there had to something more, something amazing out there. So as the cliff become within sight, I strapped on my parachute and jumped, and then all I could hear was the air whisking pass my ears…. “I started to feel again”, and then I remember, and thought, this is what it feels like to live my life and be real…. Where the hell have I been all these years?? And then tears fell, because I was still scared…. I pulled the cord to control my decent took some time to watch the world turn slowly, from a distance, curving, then gliding through the air. What a great new view, of my life from up here.
As I landed, I remember what I saw from up there, but now standing on land again, I didn’t know if I should go here or go there. So I just ran, and starting running everywhere…. Searching for the awareness, and hoping the rest of the answers would just pop up from somewhere….
At first running was fun, but after time less and less people could keep up, and blisters started to bleed and puss, my water was low, and frankly I just ran so hard and fast and way too much that my life became mushy insecure throw up.
I knew what I wanted… But just couldn’t find the way, it’s was like cutting a new life with a dull machete, it could only cut open certain things. And the people I met along the way, all seem to only know one little piece of information that I needed, but each one each of them important or I wouldn’t of ever made it.
Made it where? Is the question. I figure out that my life wasn’t out there, but inside of me. And to explore the outer world, I would first have to figure how to love my entire being and not just The bits and pieces that were already naturally amazing.. The journey is finding your weakness and pulling them fourth, and then making your weaknesses your strongest points. So today I stand proud, beautiful and worthy. A beacon of light in a treacherous sea. Its good to find truth and honesty within me.
I know this story is hard to follow and very abstract. But sometimes we all fall off the trail and have to start a new path. The message is don’t be afraid, for our world is still an incredible place. Watch where your mind goes when you are alone, be aware of this worry.. Listen to your heart… And do what makes you happy. Do what brings truth. Do what bring you to knowing you. Let your world turn outside down. Do not fear what isn’t clear.
The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

No, not Interested

You might look at me

And wonder why I’m smiling

You might think I’m bitchy

You might even pass me off as snooty

But slow down, let’s not get things confused

Yes I think I’m pretty

Yes I am confident

But do I sit and think about it?

No, not really

For I already know it to be true It is what it is

So I don’t need to be a showoff, conceded, or rude to you.

Honestly, I ain’t even worried about you

The reality is , if we ain’t friends

If you ain’t got nothing nice to say Then I would rather not even talk to you.

I got so many people in my life that I have dedicated my time too.

Adding one more person in my life Right now Would make my cup more then half full.

So I won’t apologize For not going out of my way to get to know you

I won’t apologize for sitting silently in my own space

While you cringe because I didn’t even brother to look up at you.

Trust me

I am not here for you

And if I am

Then I would know

Because I would feel my energy pull me towards you.

And if that’s the case.

I will go way out of my way,

To make time and space for you.

 

The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

 

Wait…

He drew a picture of his perfect girl

And it just so happen to be me,

I was a gift from the universe,

Because night after night,

He would dream of a relationship

He would dream about a woman

Who could love him for him…

Then it happen

And he couldn’t believe it

He act like he wanted it, but didn’t deserve it

He claim to be busy when he really wasn’t

Unfortunately, he just wasn’t ready

So he tried to break me down,

For what he was lacking

Tired to make me feel insecure

Because inside he felt inferior

Finally I stop to say something, told him what he is doing is not okay

This motherfucker, asked if I could wait, went silent,

And walked away..

Before he left he said a few things

That would be hard for any man to say

He told me, That I deserve more than he could currently give.

 

The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016  All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess;  “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

 

Gone Away

I get stuck…

In my thoughts…

Waking up, with the whispers of your name on my tongue…

I can’t prevent the dreams of you, of us, of those memories, from popping up…

I miss you…

At times, the pain is too much…

If we could just have one more laugh, one more hug, one more of whatever you want…

 

Honestly, it still wouldn’t be enough…

 

Your just gone…

And no matter how much I beg and plead, and question, Why god?

You’re still physically non-existence…

 

But somehow, someway, I still feel your presence

Like your memory becomes my reality in some other realm of living

Sometimes I can hear your laugh

Sometimes I can feel your touch

Sometimes I see your eyes, in a stranger

Or sometimes I find myself doing things that I hate, that I know you love…

 

As long as I am alive, I won’t let that connection die.

Keeping your memory next to my beating heart

Makes me stronger, makes me smile, and makes me feel alive…

It Makes it easier to sleep through those long restless nights

 

There is no me, without you…

My path to finding peacefulness

Is power by the thoughts,

And the distraction of trying not to miss you…

 

The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016  All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess;  “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

 

Photo by: Ito Jakuchu
Peonies and Butterflies, from Colorful Realm of Living Beings

She loved….

She loved so deeply

That her feet became the roots,

she became the tree.

Growing effortlessly,

Her hands the branches

Spreading gracefully.

Soaking up the light,

Dancing in the rain,

The wind giving her, her  voice

So she could sing.

She produced fruit after a few springs

an inticing treat for you to eat.

For her affections move through you

Grasping your heart,

Making it beat.

She whisper, “I love you
As I do me, take my offerings
With you and replant my seeds.”
The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

For the moms…

I have always been called a mother, Growing up, my friends, labeled me the mother of the group,

I hated it,

But there was no way around it,

It is who I am.

That unconditional love to those,

that I thought deserve, my type of love
When I became a mother, I did so completely

Every single ounce of me, was for my children

I love my pregnant belly, that pregnant glow,

watching my children grow, from helpless, to magnificent

All different, yet all the same,

All my babies touched with that gift of undoubtable happiness.
Being a mother is never easy,

And I will never tell someone that it is,

Its selfless, every thought and every action

Is in regards to them.

There is no longer a you,

You go years without even hearing your own name

For its been replaced

With MOM!, mother, mommy

And at night if you’re lucky enough,

Your husband might return home

And he might have an actual adult conversation with you

Others will return home only to criticize you,

“You haven’t even showered today honey”

Silently, we say “well fuck you too, I’ve kinda been busy, raising these children all day.”

And smile anyways…

 

This mom life isn’t honorable in our society,

In anyway,

there are no holidays, no days off

No annual evaluations, no company reviews,

No company christmas parties, sign on incentives, or 5, 10 year bonuses.

No raises,

We wake up every morning

To see those smiling faces looking back at you

and…

Because we can, and we choose to

Because our motivation

Is for the greatness of the next generation

We are working on growing delectable humans beings
Then the kids get older, and we start to feel again,

mothers start to questioning, and thinking

who am I and What am I doing?

Especially if this wasn’t complete before having the children

We start to remember that we were people, with real names,

Sometimes this revelation is done gracefully,

Sometimes it’s done painfully

The person we left behind wants to be happy

And we start listening,

Own needs, becoming a possibility

Sometimes moms leave, sometimes divorces happen

Families get puncture, hurt and damaged

This almost never has anything to do with the children

They get stuck in the crossfire

Some children get so angry when this happens,

Then they get married,

Although still angry and repeat a mean

Never ending cycle
Moms forget how to love themselves

As they have love their own children

They forget how love other people

Like loving our children took all of our love energy
For some

It takes years to repair things

Some of us get the chance to repair things

Some of us lose the chance,

because of death

non communication,

Fear, hate, anger and many other things.
Point in case,

Have you called your mother today,

Have you learn to forgive her, you, everyone,

Have you prayed for yourself today

I thought my mother was dying,

And I am here in Washington until she is okay

I will never leave my mother’s side,

Because my mother, is a part of me, and she needs me

I can see a reflection of her in me

I can see that the connections in her family,

Also make up, me…

All connected, even though I have disconnected myself for over a decade
Tragically since being here in

Washington 2 mothers have been taken away from their families, and from mine…

Actually two great grandmothers….

And it’s hard for me to process, anything these days, It’s kinda like living in a daze,

But each day we have to get up, keep moving,

because we never know what today might bring

And if you keep waiting

You might just miss

The most amazing experience.
This is for the mamas, and the mamas’ mamas, and the mamas’ mamas’ mamas….

Love you, keep doing what you’re doing, smile, love yourself and forgive…
The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Into The Forest

One moment I was on the white sand beaches of Hawaii

This land where the earth, winds and waves starting talking to me

The islands that have learn to comfort me, mold me, hold me…

and then instantly, the spirits ripped me away,

I stood standing back in the darkness,

Like a dream, but this time actually happening

This new place was enchantingly lovely

but cold, dark, wet and  depressing

This new place mysterious yet captivating.

My ill mother, has called to me

Needs help

emergency…

Olympia, Washington??? Really

So I find myself standing where I don’t want to be standing

bellowing out, “why take everything away from me”,

“Why take my normal way of being and throw me into this”

and every morning that passed I screamed,

the coldness,

made me feel like my insides were hardening then shattering..

I didn’t want to understand the unknowing,

I stopped listening

I could see everything happening

but didn’t want it to be happening to me.

 

But each day that passed the trees would start to sing,

and the cold would crawl closer to me, wanting to hold me

and now I see

This place, and these people

my family

needs me.

A new chapter beginning

Winter turning into spring

I stopped questioning, and once again started listening

Allowing myself to breathe

filling myself with new possibility.

I do not know what this world has in store for me

but I believe…

I trust in the messages I receive

This is my journey and it is happening to me

I won’t fight the tide, I will swim gracefully.

Because I am made to succeed.

I was made for turning the impossibility into reality.

 

The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016  All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess;  “http://silencespeakscleary.com/