Soul Scars


Into my psyche

The danger took over me

Stay hidden

Don’t let him, see you hiding

They tell me.

“Whats happening?”

I was the child, questioning.

It was dark

I couldn’t really see

I remember a woman screaming,

“Get off of me”

I remember the words

“I’m dying”

He picked her up and threw her down like she was nothing

Jumped on her rib cage like she was a trampoline

Punch her, kick her, as his anger became,

Even more raw, and unleashed.

They dragged her inside,

And lay her by my feet,

And then they left her with me,

To secure the house

To call the police

“Im dying”, she repeats

Blood oozing from her eye sockets, 

her nose, her mouth, her teeth.

Her face swollen, and smashed

The raspiness in her voice, her hoarse breath

As her chest collapse,

She laid below me,

Was I watching her die?

Would her last moment be with me?

I don’t know what to do

I’m scared and afraid,

I am just a kid,

Why does my chest hurt too,

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do,

I know nothing,

I don’t know how to save you…



This is when I learn that, I am really good at hiding.


Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

That Mind, Body, and Soul Life

That Mind, Body, and Soul Life



I stopped writing. I stopped suddenly. Creative juices stopped flowing. The words stopped coming. I would sit at the desk staring blankly at the computer screen, nothing feel exciting, writing felt daunting. I was waiting for that voice to guide my fingers across letters of the keyboard. I wanted to blamed my circumstances, the changes, the strangeness of my new surroundings, my loss of concentration, the children, my family, work, school, the burden of responsibility, the missing of loved ones, I wanted to blame everyone, and everything. Except for the fear that I might possiblity, just lack the ability. I made excuse after excuse on why I shouldn’t be writing. Why my words didn’t actually change anything. I started to believe that this newletter, these words, this time, was a waste of energy, thus out of my scope of functionality.

The truth is, I was told, by a person, that I believed was smarter, and more experienced than myself, that I had no right, to be writing, advising, or putting my opinions, my stories, in a newsletter for others to read. That I am over confident in my abilities, and that I am overstepping my boundaries.

These words shook me. Sadly, I believe her words, more than I actually believed in me. I became angry that I let her steal my power so easily. I become frustrated, that one person can alter my personal view of my abilities, and that I even allowed her to stall my creative flow, even if only momentarily.

I became afraid. And I stopped writing. I stopped drawing. I stopped dancing. I stopped, every outward expression of me. Because, I fell back into my life lifelong pattern, of this feeling of being unworthy, and once again this insecurity controlled me. Confirming this insecurity does still have a hold on me.

I Thought that maybe words on the page really didn’t mean anything.

I found that silence is a much easier place, to suffer quietly.

If I do not speak up, if I do not express my beliefs, then I don’t have to be torn down, by the criticism of others, and I can go merrily on my way.

If I do not speak, everything stays the same.

Running on a treadmill of repeated thoughts, waiting for the world, for others, for the circumstances to change. Running my mind, in circles in my own personal fight. Defeated, and on my way back down the habits I am trying to break, the uncomfortable comforts I call depression, loneliness and heartbreak.

I believe I am a confident woman.

I have high self esteem,

I am smart, self assured, with a balanced mind.

I feel beautiful, I feel bold, strong, and walk with unbeatable determination. Then why does these people opinions brother me.

If I am a confident woman, then why did her words stop me so easily?.

If I am a confident woman, then why I am struggling to write, to speak?

I just don’t understand, why I allow to let others to push their misjudge, discriminated, intimated, ignorant, insecurities onto me, it’s like being thrown into the fire, of condemn personal attacks, fueled by raged filled self bullying. Most likely brought on by holes in others own insecurity, their struggles that have nothing to do with me.

I started this newsletter, mostly to help myself, to stop hiding, to polish my psyche and to help other woman like me. I know for a fact that I am not the only female out there suffering. From this parallel dynamic of who others think I should be and who I am.

There was a whisper of women over the past few months who have been pushing me in the right direction again. Phone calls, emails, and conversation, “ Sunshine, you haven’t been writing, just write again.” I must apologize for my disappearance,This is who I am, I go completely inward from time to time. It’s not that I don’t like people, It that’s I have these fears that only I can fix. I go silent to the outside world so I can listen to the voice within. This is where I answer the deep honest core self questions.. This is where I find strength from within. This place is where my energy burns, where my power cranks so I can shine light to others.

You honestly want to know what my biggest fear is, It is that I can’t do it, That I can’t be it, and that I can’t become it.This belief is so embedded into my psyche that it ticks tocks like a stopwatch that never stops. “ Can’t, can’t, Can’t, can’t…. Funny thing is I always do it. It, being whatever needs to be done.

I suppose the point I am making, is give into your own power of being. On your own time and in your own way. Even after someone, accidentally knocks you down and takes all your power away. Take however long you need to find it again. Your power is in there, the hard part, at times, is finding the key to unlock it, so you can tap into its strength, and find you once again.


“Take care of your body with steadfast fidelity. The soul must see through these eyes alone, and if they are dim, the world is clouded. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I fell in love with my belly. Hehe. No honestly, I looked in the mirror, and just squeezed my pouch letting out a Sunshine laugh at myself. “Your so fat,” I started to think, “OMG, these rolls are disgusting. Then I had a moment, stopped the self hating, and something happened. I looked again, I held it, found the comfort in the texture, in the folds. I glance at myself for the first time with loving eyes, and noticed how feminine my body was. I felt like the women from the history books, on Greek mythology.

I felt like for a moment, I was every women. My body an extension of the women that came before us. I was part of a bigger picture of being human. I held my core, and fell in love. My belly was a universe to my children when they were unborn. My belly is an indicator of intuition. My core is my power source, it brings stability, balance and peace. Once a month somewhere deep in my belly I produce a single egg, from my ovary. And because I don’t need these eggs to create life, I have learn to use this cycle to manifest, the energy to create my own personal masterpiece of me.

My advice for this month’s body section, is not a new workout or a new diet plan. Its to challenge you to love the body you’re in. Once you fall in love completely with yourself from head to toe, Your problems areas, will no longer be problems anymore. When you love your folds, you unconsciously take care of yourself better than you ever have before.



Embracing the cold…

It started to snow. White silence from the the skies started to pour. Blanketing the city in motionlessness. I have never experienced the snow like this before. It’s like being in a giant snow globe. I compare the snow to being in the ocean, it surrounds you, in its beauty, its energy smoothing. You can’t hear anyone talking, no cars driving, no animal sounds, just a mystical bliss, a concept of time stopping.

I fight the cold, it is not a part of me. The air makes my bones freeze, I hear them crackle like a pair of old knees.The snow, enticing just like the ocean, calls to me, like it’s whispering a mystery, just like the deepest part of the sea. I stand at the window watching the snowflakes fall, entranced by its calming kaleidoscope effects, as it covers the land. Until finally it breaks me, I have to stand in the flakes and let them cover me. I compare this to a intense fear release. No socks, no shoes, no sweater, no jackets, just a tee shirt and a thin pair of leggings. I open the door and the cold hits me. My chest is instantly heavy, I can’t breathe fully, my body shivers, small convulsions, the sound of my teeth chattering. I step towards the walkway. Look towards the sky and meditate. Inhale 2,3,4 exhale. Come on Sunshine, Breathe.. It takes a few minutes to get my body to listen to me, And then the experience takes over me. I surrendered to things I can’t control, the cold, and I don’t let it bother me. For those few minutes, I am not cold, I am encased in my own space. Facing the snow, means I can go into the world and confront even more challenging things.

In Closing,

I really just wanted to say hi to everyone, The past two years for me have been a wild ride. I however am doing find. The kids, my mother and I are doing much better, we are all finding our way and getting a little stronger everyday. In this I have found so much inner peace and strength within myself and these new surrounds, I have no regrets, and wouldn’t change a thing. (well I wish my mother wasn’t sick, but she is, and we are working with the cards we have been dealt) I am welcoming new experiences daily. In a time when everything seemed impossible, lost and broken, I found my north star and I am guided by a new light of abundance, power, stability, and strength. Sometime tragedy brings just want we need, as long as we don’t get swallowed by our sorrow, we can always choose to begin again.

Sending my love and light


Girl on the Subway….

Once there was a girl.

Who desired to see the world.

Convinced her parents

To allow her to travel with her middle school.

To Paris, France.

Once there was a girl on a subway.

A young teenage girl, pretty,

overdevelop, and unsuspecting,

Of the man, who stood behind her

On the crowded subway train.

Once there was a girl on a subway

Who was grabbed by the man who stood

behind her, as the train traveled through

the dark tunnels on her first adventure to

experience the world while in Paris,

traveling with her middle school.

Once there was a girl on a subway,

Who froze, in time.

Who’s cry when silent.

As her voice was paralyzed.

As the man on the train grabbed her.

assaulted her.

Forced himself on her, in a way she hated,

In a way, that didn’t feel right.

As a man, stole her inner light.

in the dark tunnels that passed in Paris, on the

subway train.

Once there was a girl.

On a subway

Who was shamefully afraid.

Who watched the man run away.

Before she had the courage to say anything.

Once there was a girl who got off the subway

train. Crying hysterically,

Who was told, by the teacher chaperones, not

to talk about what happen to her that day in

Paris, in the darkness on the subway train.

They told the girl that crying doesn’t fix

anything anyway.

Once there was a girl,

who rode a subway train.

Who was molested.

By a man, in the darkness.

Who was told to never talk

about that moment again.

Once there was a girl

13, in Paris, pretty, but didn’t feel pretty

anymore. Who was left at the

hotel, far away from home, alone, for a day,

Who could only stand in the shower

For hours, crying and trying to scrub the

dirty, disgusting, disarray feelings away.

Once there was a woman

Who doubted her sense of being.

Who became very good at hiding.

Who became very leery of men.

Who didn’t fully understand why

She could never trust a man.
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Inner Womanly  Screams 

The mind of a women in heat, flowing with insightful madness. Passion, emotions ripping through her flesh, demanding attention. Shedding the walls, of her past, so she can listen to her ancestors once again. So she can reground and find her inner beauty, her strength again, her divide goddess within.

I got in my car and turn on my bass driven music, no words, just a steady beat, loud rhythmic sounds controlling my heartbeat as I weep. The music loud, blaring so you can’t hear my own sorrowful screams of misunderstanding. They surround me, I can feel their hands once again, they whisper in ways I can sense. My hands start to tingle, so does my chest. The voice, like an echo, but direct. “Why don’t you believe even after I show you again and again” The moments, the perfect memories come back, flooding in. Those times when I was completely open. Where the human and spirit world intertwined so beautifully, where our two twisted souls dance harmonically. Where I, we weren’t pretending. Where are thoughts were distance, and we just followed the pull towards one other. No wonder, I want more, no wonder my body craves hungrily that connective electricity to the core, those connections I felt once before. Those surreal moments were pure. Then taken away, without an explanation or reasoning. Slapped out of my hands and placed beyond my reach. As I fabricate myself, for the time being, so I can continue living, those unanswered questions keep lingering, keep me wondering. I am shamefully hopeful. Stupidly reappearing that constant question, as it drills through my thoughts once more,”why would one ever let something that real go.” Are we really letting go, or does the dis-attachment fertilize what is needed for growth. I should of never of expected for others to be ready to let there egos go. I should of never believe solely in energy, that I thought I provoked. I have to believe not only in what I can see and touch, but what is hidden, and mysterious. I wish we were allowed to just let things be, but that would be to easy, i wouldn’t learn anything. Our world simply isn’t set up that way. The world is fake, misplaced, made of artificial things, overrun by powerful people and companies, who want us to want things, while they manipulate and control, the way they want us to think. The masses of people are lost, and have stopped following those hints of possibility.

I stand there, looking into the eyes of the ones I love. Saying, come explore the depths of your psyche with me. Let’s be wild, adventurous, have fun, be a little stupid, enjoy what freedoms are still allowed to be free. Sadly, the ones I love stare at me like I’m crazy. I know I can’t provide normality. I cant provide children, I can’t provide constant dependably. I offer me, honest love, trust, with open communication, and intimacy. The ones I love, don’t know about independently coexisting, they know, love has 3 steps to be complete, 1st you date, you become girlfriend boyfriend, and then you get married. They both love and hate that I will never be one of those things. Many are afraid, They don’t believe, they love because they feel it should be that way, doing the same thing as everybody. They don’t hear, and have stopped listening to the spiritual they. They don’t want to lose their current status of being. I was taught, to never be afraid to lose everything. Because once you risk it all, you can only make gains.

So even though they know, I was the real thing. That those things that we felt and shared were the realist of feeling. They will continue to walk away.

As you learn your inner power and strength, you poise and your grace. Don’t be shameful, learn by your mistakes, don’t feel like you failed, or suffer one more minute in pain. Stop questioning. Stand true to only you. Remember there are others out there. Searching for you, waiting, and learning just like you.

You are awake, you feel everything. Stand tall, takes risk, forgive, and don’t be afraid. Don’t dismiss who you are, just to please someone less understanding. No validation is needed, for you to be yourself, to be absolutely amazing.
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Still Empty 

The words didn’t flow so easily.

Something in my soul felt empty,

If I could just keep myself busy.

If I could just focus on a hobby,

Let work become my new everything

I try to forget..

(It’s impossible)

But the memories keep repeating,

Their features start appearing in the faces of individuals..

Strangers, feel familiar.

Only really a glance of a past reality.

If I could just meet somebody…

To replace the empty

It would fix me… hopefully

Instead I just lay next to them, unfulfilled

The hole in my heart still empty
Copyright 2017 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

Kissed By an Accident

I didn’t ask for this….. I remember feeling defeated after my car accident in 2014. Why? Would this happen? I kept wondering, and in the end that darkness, was where my life started again. The blessing of being painfully woken up brought fourth a new message, my true form, my destiny became reveal. It didn’t start out crystal clear, but I had to start somewhere. For days and nights I would walk blindly into the fear, looking, wondering what’s out there. The chaos pulled in, rolled it’s windows down and said, come sit over here… And even after years of being told not to ride with strangers, I sat in that seat and travel along a road to nowhere, signs screaming caution, danger, cliffs are near. Signs, saying Sunshine, don’t you dare. But nothing could stop me. I just knew there had to something more, something amazing out there. So as the cliff become within sight, I strapped on my parachute and jumped, and then all I could hear was the air whisking pass my ears…. “I started to feel again”, and then I remember, and thought, this is what it feels like to live my life and be real…. Where the hell have I been all these years?? And then tears fell, because I was still scared…. I pulled the cord to control my decent took some time to watch the world turn slowly, from a distance, curving, then gliding through the air. What a great new view, of my life from up here.
As I landed, I remember what I saw from up there, but now standing on land again, I didn’t know if I should go here or go there. So I just ran, and starting running everywhere…. Searching for the awareness, and hoping the rest of the answers would just pop up from somewhere….
At first running was fun, but after time less and less people could keep up, and blisters started to bleed and puss, my water was low, and frankly I just ran so hard and fast and way too much that my life became mushy insecure throw up.
I knew what I wanted… But just couldn’t find the way, it’s was like cutting a new life with a dull machete, it could only cut open certain things. And the people I met along the way, all seem to only know one little piece of information that I needed, but each one each of them important or I wouldn’t of ever made it.
Made it where? Is the question. I figure out that my life wasn’t out there, but inside of me. And to explore the outer world, I would first have to figure how to love my entire being and not just The bits and pieces that were already naturally amazing.. The journey is finding your weakness and pulling them fourth, and then making your weaknesses your strongest points. So today I stand proud, beautiful and worthy. A beacon of light in a treacherous sea. Its good to find truth and honesty within me.
I know this story is hard to follow and very abstract. But sometimes we all fall off the trail and have to start a new path. The message is don’t be afraid, for our world is still an incredible place. Watch where your mind goes when you are alone, be aware of this worry.. Listen to your heart… And do what makes you happy. Do what brings truth. Do what bring you to knowing you. Let your world turn outside down. Do not fear what isn’t clear.
The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/

No, not Interested

You might look at me

And wonder why I’m smiling

You might think I’m bitchy

You might even pass me off as snooty

But slow down, let’s not get things confused

Yes I think I’m pretty

Yes I am confident

But do I sit and think about it?

No, not really

For I already know it to be true It is what it is

So I don’t need to be a showoff, conceded, or rude to you.

Honestly, I ain’t even worried about you

The reality is , if we ain’t friends

If you ain’t got nothing nice to say Then I would rather not even talk to you.

I got so many people in my life that I have dedicated my time too.

Adding one more person in my life Right now Would make my cup more then half full.

So I won’t apologize For not going out of my way to get to know you

I won’t apologize for sitting silently in my own space

While you cringe because I didn’t even brother to look up at you.

Trust me

I am not here for you

And if I am

Then I would know

Because I would feel my energy pull me towards you.

And if that’s the case.

I will go way out of my way,

To make time and space for you.


The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/



He drew a picture of his perfect girl

And it just so happen to be me,

I was a gift from the universe,

Because night after night,

He would dream of a relationship

He would dream about a woman

Who could love him for him…

Then it happen

And he couldn’t believe it

He act like he wanted it, but didn’t deserve it

He claim to be busy when he really wasn’t

Unfortunately, he just wasn’t ready

So he tried to break me down,

For what he was lacking

Tired to make me feel insecure

Because inside he felt inferior

Finally I stop to say something, told him what he is doing is not okay

This motherfucker, asked if I could wait, went silent,

And walked away..

Before he left he said a few things

That would be hard for any man to say

He told me, That I deserve more than he could currently give.


The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016  All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess;  “http://silencespeakscleary.com/


Gone Away

I get stuck…

In my thoughts…

Waking up, with the whispers of your name on my tongue…

I can’t prevent the dreams of you, of us, of those memories, from popping up…

I miss you…

At times, the pain is too much…

If we could just have one more laugh, one more hug, one more of whatever you want…


Honestly, it still wouldn’t be enough…


Your just gone…

And no matter how much I beg and plead, and question, Why god?

You’re still physically non-existence…


But somehow, someway, I still feel your presence

Like your memory becomes my reality in some other realm of living

Sometimes I can hear your laugh

Sometimes I can feel your touch

Sometimes I see your eyes, in a stranger

Or sometimes I find myself doing things that I hate, that I know you love…


As long as I am alive, I won’t let that connection die.

Keeping your memory next to my beating heart

Makes me stronger, makes me smile, and makes me feel alive…

It Makes it easier to sleep through those long restless nights


There is no me, without you…

My path to finding peacefulness

Is power by the thoughts,

And the distraction of trying not to miss you…


The Sun Goddess

Copyright 2016  All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess;  “http://silencespeakscleary.com/


Photo by: Ito Jakuchu
Peonies and Butterflies, from Colorful Realm of Living Beings

She loved….

She loved so deeply

That her feet became the roots,

she became the tree.

Growing effortlessly,

Her hands the branches

Spreading gracefully.

Soaking up the light,

Dancing in the rain,

The wind giving her, her  voice

So she could sing.

She produced fruit after a few springs

an inticing treat for you to eat.

For her affections move through you

Grasping your heart,

Making it beat.

She whisper, “I love you
As I do me, take my offerings
With you and replant my seeds.”
The Sun Goddess
Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. The Sun Goddess; “http://silencespeakscleary.com/